not in denial

Today's blessing:
Another day with my beautiful family.

I love my baby girl more than anything on the planet. The best sound in the world is her laughter, and it breaks my heart to hear her cry. Even if it's just a wet diaper, I hate the idea of her being uncomfortable, unhappy, or in pain. And when she cries and I can't make her stop...that's the worst. Then sometimes it makes me cry.

Something happened last week in Newtown, Connecticut. I have purposely been avoiding the news and internet headlines since. I've always been maybe a little over-sensitive about violence. All those Law and Order/CSI/NCIS kind of shows...they give me nightmares. And since becoming a mommy I've become even more sensitive to these things, particularly if they involve children.

That said, when things actually happen to children and those who care for them, I can't handle it. If I allow myself to think about the events of last week, it's bad. It makes me want to stay at home and keep the doors locked and not ever let P leave. I just want to protect her.

But then what? She doesn't make friends. She doesn't learn how to ride a bike or play hopscotch. (Do kids still play hopscotch?) She doesn't get to have squirt gun fights or snowball fights or even skin her knee running around the playground too fast. And those are all vital parts of childhood.

So I guess I'll just have to let go. I'll have to teach her to say her prayers and make good decisions. I'll have to watch her go out and make mistakes.

To anyone who has ever lost someone too soon: for what it's worth, know that I am praying for you. You are loved deeply and nothing will ever change that.

One thing is certain and cannot be stated enough - P is raising a mommy who is grateful for every moment she is given. A mommy is all I've ever really wanted to be, so I cherish every sleepless night and early morning with my beautiful baby girl.